Archive | January 2017

Health Tip. From the Fat Lady

And I self-apply the term “Lady” cautiously because I was given leave to work from home due to my unladylike demeanor in an office environment. I took Bette Davis as a role model when I was twelve or thirteen years old reading “Mother Goddamn.” She had a great quote (I think it was in Newsweek around that time, early 70s) “There are two kinds of women, ladies and broads. Me? I’m a broad.” I took that to heart, much to my mother’s chagrin.

bette davis margo channing

I digress, as I often do.

I’d like to suggest a simple daily addition to your routine to help beat back January and maybe help ward off the colds, flus, headaches, etc. that seem to want to be our friends right about now.

Ever heard of dry brushing your skin? Very beneficial action.

Get a natural bristle brush. Get naked (preferably in private right before a shower. NOT the golden kind preferred by our incoming Presi…I can’t bring myself to say it). Start with the soles of your feet (and mine are ticklish, so this gets tricky) and brush from the toes to the heel a few times, then start with the tops of your feet, same direction, then upwards on your legs, always brushing towards your heart. Brush your belly in a clockwise motion to aid digestion, brush downward from your chin and back of the neck. Lastly, raise your arms (one at a time) and brush downward. Pay special attention to the backs of your knees, your groin, inside your elbows, under your ears, and your armpits. These are lymph node locations and the dry brushing (always towards your heart) helps them work better. Every time I brush under my ears, I feel my sinuses drain.

Body Brush insert

In the shower, if you use one of those scrubby puff things, go through the same routine. Trust me.

I’d also suggest starting the day with hot water and lemon. Get your digestion working properly, detox your body, clear your skin.

Oh, I’m still fat. But my skin looks great.

Got Those Steadily Depressin’ Low Down Mind Messin’ January Blues

(With apologies to Jim Croce)

I’m hearing, from friends in real life and friends on Facebook, a lot of people experiencing lows in the first month of January. Emotional exhaustion, outright depression, crankiness (my department. I’m really, really good at it right now), the desire to hibernate until April – I’ve heard them all this month.

January sucks. Apologies to those with January birthdays. You are the few bright spots in a month that otherwise sucks ass. I speak from many many years of sub-zero temperatures, early darkness, nasty slips and falls that have left me with permanent back issues, and frozen boogers.

calvin frozen boogers

Not fun.

It doesn’t lend itself to motivation, to be sure. I’m essentially grabbing myself by the scruff of the neck to get to work here.

cobweb keyboard

Except for writing comments in a mortgage file and the New York Times crossword puzzle, I’ve not written much.

However, nothing is going to get done unless I make myself get up and do it. When you are comfortably wedged in a rut, it’s difficult to dig yourself out. It’s familiar, no effort required, and now with all the different series you can binge watch, time is easily wasted. “Wake me up when the Patriots are on.” (It’s January. 13 out of the last 14 years, they’re still playing in January)

Time, however, is something you don’t get back. And you never know how much you have left to you (unless you’re Steven Wright. “I know when I’m gonna die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.”)

So, if you’re lying (NOT LAYING. LYING) there in your fuzzy jammies, or stretched-out yoga pants and thinking of the fifteen different things you could be doing, pick one. Do it. Get out of the rut.

Don’t let suck-ass January win.

Shake It Off

I have not posted anything to this website (other than upcoming signing appearances) since August 2015. Quite remiss of me. I need to engage my audience or they will leave the theater.

I can make excuses: demands on my time exceeding my available time. They do, but I still found it in me to sit on my ass and watch TV or sleep on the couch in front of the TV (dozing off, noisily, runs in my family. Unfortunately, I have more in common with the men than the women in that regard).

I piss and moan how “I suck at marketing” yet make only a half-hearted attempt to engage.

I have a stack of books from other authors that I have set myself the task of reading and reviewing (in this space. Hey! Blog posts!) in the hopes that they will reciprocate. And a small part of me that feels like the world is tearing me to pieces for its own use and my wants and needs don’t matter just wants to be left the fuck alone. Those authors won’t review my books. The others promised and didn’t (says the small part).

Right now, the TV set is off. Yeah, I know: THOSE THINGS ACTUALLY DO HAVE AN OFF SWITCH! They don’t have to be on all the time! I don’t have the radio going, CDs, MP3s, Pandora, nothing. Just quiet (except for the soft whir of the ceiling fan. I may fall asleep shortly. That’s my white noise for sleeping). Don’t be afraid of quiet. Yes, you are there with your own thoughts, but you may as well process them and send them on their merry ways. Better during the day than lying (NOT LAYING. LAYING IS INCORRECT. OKAY? WHEN YOU PLANT YOURSELF IN A HORIZONTAL POSITION, YOU ARE LYING DOWN) awake when you need to sleep and having them pester you. Got decisions to make? Pen, paper, make a list of pros and cons. Worry? Fuggedaboutit: worry accomplishes nothing and robs you any joy you may find in the moment. Or just…be. That’s meditation. Sit and focus on breathing, or a ray of sunlight, or watch your dog sleep. It’s beneficial.

However, I digress.

I want books sales in the thousands of units, but as I am a one-woman show, marketing is up to me. Therefore, I will be engaging with readers (like giveaways! Ooh!), firing up a newsletter, more on Facebook, Twitter (when I am not ranting about politics. May need a new Twitter handle because for the next four years, I’ll be frothing at the mouth online unless I get jailed as a political prisoner. Oh, it can happen).

I know I can make this happen. I can manifest this if I get off my ass. I wrote books. I have a Facebook page called Medieval Merriment (and this is to make a point, not promote that page, so no link here) that I started as a goof with no expectations. That was August 2014. Today, it has 21,250 followers. That’s a lot of people. None of them buy my damned books, but that’s a lot of people. I made this happen, too:

Susan and George

I have had a couple of people tell me I should have a video podcast and/or Youtube channel. Oy. I have a face for radio and a voice for silent movies, but I’m funny. I’m smart. I know stuff. Maybe. (Catalina? Whitney? Let’s talk)

So, for the 2 or 3 people who read this and the thousands of spam comments about goose down parkas (I shit you not), let’s shake off the rust and do this. Mondays and Thursdays. Right here.


And now, Miss Taylor Swift.